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Unfunny jokes

You wouldn’t joke about a black person being your slave,
So why do some still think ‘make me a sandwich’, and ‘get back to the kitchen’ jokes are still acceptable?!  or even funny?

Aren’t they both about oppression of a group of people based on how they were born.
Likely the world just doesn’t think gender equality is as valid as racial equality.

BF messed up my trust

So, yesterday, me and the S.O were kind of having a fight, it was a mutual silent treatment after some annoyance earlier on. Where he doesn’t want to be the one to make the effort to talk, i’m to scared that he’s mad at me to try.

So later on, after getting home and avoiding each other a while, I go into the sitting room, really quietly and he has his back to me, I can see he’s on his phone, and im curious and he hasn’t heard me so I walk up quietly, and then he opens fucking TINDER. (a dating app) so there was a of me being upset, he’s assured me he only downloaded it the other day with friends when they were talking about it. and I tried to put it out of my mind.

Today its just swirling and swirling around. He was pretty pissed that I asked the ‘are you cheating’, ‘are you breaking up with me’ questions, like he was insulted I don’t seem to trust him, but I feel its valid to have my trust shaken when during a fight I catch my boyfriend swiping through other girls on a dating app.

I have no one else to talk to right now, my therapist is not back for 2 weeks. So this is really distracting me at work today. I was tempted to tweet about it, but his mother is following me, so Id essentially be telling on him to his parents. Who would likely call him up about it.

I wouldn’t be mad if he had rejected everyone on it, if he was just seeing what it is, if he knew anyone on it, but he had approved girls, he said he was talking to them about the world cup. Which made me more pissed, cos I hate football, and it honestly made it sound like he was picking out a replacement who liked more of the same things as him.

Im still really upset, I say I trust him nothing happened, but I still feel like im putting myself out there, taking a chance. I don’t have concrete proof of anything good or bad.

It makes me so upset he basically said yes to girls, who said yes to him back so they could talk. Its basically him saying “Hey, you’re hot, I am presenting myself as single and open to communication with you

and thats fucking with my head. Its making me into a crazy jealous girlfriend and I have unbelievable urges to snoop. Cos I feel like I need to tear his phone apart till I’m reassured nothing was going on.

We have been together 2 years and lived together nearly a year now. So im quite invested, I want this all to be nothing. But at the same time, if someone was cheating and lying about it, it would look exactly like this, I only have blind faith to say otherwise.

He’s made it look like he was trying to hookup with other girls so he could get a shallow self esteem boost.

It was driving me so mad that today on my lunch a noped every guy his age in the area untill I found he was still on it. He says he deleted it, does your profile stay there when you delete the app?

right now I want him to message any girl he talked to and tell them, essentially, that he has a girlfriend he lives with, and that he’s a dick.

This will take time.

Edit: After some thought, I think im going to have to ask him to let me snoop. Obviously Ill have to wait till I see him so he wouldn’t potentially have time to hide anything.
Is this wrong? I would let him see anything I have in a heartbeat, I have nothing I need to hide form him. But if I ask and he says no Im going to be 1000% more worried. I want to ask can I read his recent facebook mesages, and see what he said to people on tinder. What would you do?

Societal acceptance of disordered eating

I HATE how normal we treat really messed up eating habits, we encourage people to treat food as a ‘guilty pleasure’ and commend others for resisting its temptation. We literally applaud eating disorder behaviours up until a person is underweight. Only then do we say “No that is not normal, that is messed up”, “thats not healthy”, “you shouldn’t think like that”. Its messed up, that person had the same disordered eating all the way through until they were small enough to notice.

Reject disordered eating, at any size.

You are not immune to EDs because you don’t feel thin enough to have one. Just because you don’t feel society will recognise you have a problem does not mean you are fine. If you are struggling, get help. No matter what size you are, how long its been.
Eating disorders come in one size, miserable.

Hows work going?

Well, I don’t actually like it, its not really interesting or challenging. But I have to learn off a lot of corporate spiels. Be around chatty office people, after having spent the best part of 2 years alone.

But I did get to buy pretty dresses I wouldn’t have otherwise, and I’m slowly robbing a major US company of its free sweets.

And Ive gotten people off my back with the ‘when will you get a job?’ crap.

Theres a pigeon in my kitchen, again.

So on friday evening this pigeon landed beside me on the balcony as I was watering plants. It has UK homing pigeon tags, we tried to contact owners but no luck. I gave it food and water. It walked past me into my kitchen and took up perch on the bin, we let it stay there overnight as it seemed sleepy. Saturday morning it seemed well so we put it back out on the balcony and after about half an hour it flew away. So this evening (Sunday) i’m lying on the bed on the other side of the apartment and it landed on top of my open window. Im somewhat amazed it was gone over 24 hours and found my window on the other side of the building in a complex with about 1000 identical windows.

Possibly we have messed up this pigeons homeing skills as it clearly did not fly home. Im still glad he came back to see me when I was feeling down. We call him Farley.

Bad feelings where I’m supposed to have good ones.

I got a job, well a 3 month paid internship.
I start Tuesday. I’ll have to take a day off to be a viking extra.

I don’t feel good or excited. I want to cry and curl in a ball. I can barely even figure out why. Its all so blurry and just a big ball of messy emotions. Maybe its all the change, maybe its people being condescending to me and going on about it being a big step. Which makes me cringe. Its not even fully anxiety, even though some is mixed in there. Its just sadness, its a chore, scary, draining, Its going back to being out for pretty much all day and having no where to hide when I’m overwhelmed.

Even in college I lived on the campus and could be back in my room within 10 minutes of anywhere, I don’t think I ever had a panic attack then because I felt I could get away if I really had to.

I’ve got to commute.  Getting up before my boyfriend, getting home well after him. Previously Id been making his sandwich while he got ready, making sure he got breakfast. and trying to have dinner ready for when he got in so we could have more evening time together. No one is going to do that for me. I feel so trapped.  

Also there is a music festival close to my apartment and I can hear the noise and music floating in through the open window, while I lie here in bed. Sound of happy people is not doing me any favours.

Thank you for the music, and the t shirt.

So, if you don’t know one of my very favourite bands are motion city soundtrack.

Like a year ago I entered a contest on The singer, Justin Pierres Facebook page to photoshop yourself in a photo with him to win some of his old shirts, which I did, and was one of the winners. But he couldn’t ship to Ireland due to weird import rules. So he held onto it for over a year. I reminded him when they were playing a UK show and he still had the shirt. and shipped it right over! and now Its here!!!

I got this exact shirt!!!

My boyfriend is coming to the counsellor this evening with me. and I’m so damn anxious about it. 

In other news I got to go for my fitting for the Vikings extra that I get to do next week (please god, if job interview people get back to me, not suddenly say I can’t go)
  Its a weird experience, I was making an effort to be the best extra ever, even though we’re not shooting yet. That mostly means being quiet, changing fast with little regard to modesty, not fidgeting with costume or hair, and standing staring polity into space while a group of wardrobe department analyse me and poke at me adjusting my outfit. 

    I wish I was more able to talk to people. The other girl who’ll be doing the same as me was also in hair room at the same time as me, and then I again saw her at the bus stop and sort of awkwardly ignored her. Instead of saying ‘hey, saxon servant female #2! our hair styles will match next week!”

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